We’ve relocated back to www.MagazineBLU.com.

See you there!!

Our friends at Astroglide have provided us with seventeen things you probably didn’t know about sex:

1. Thanksgiving:   Is it Good?
   Certain smells like vanilla and pumpkin pie can make men sexually excited and increase the flow of blood to the penis.
2. Or evil?
   A man’s penis shrinks when his team scores a touchdown. Intense nonsexual excitement can make the little fella disappear.
3. Yeah, it was great. Now call 911…
   Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
4. What a turn off!
   The condom was originally made of lamb intestine. It was invented by a Dr. Condom in the early 1500s. (University of Washington Daily, 12/2/1997)
5. Bring it on home, Jimmy Choo…
   52% of all women prefer shoe shopping to sex (Harpers Weekly Review, 10/16/01)
6. Obviously you haven’t met my ex!
   Chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies. Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds. (Bonobo Sex and Society, by Frans B.M. deWall, Scientific American, March 1995)
7. Some people can’t pass up a bargain…
   Napoleon’s withered penis was purchased at a 1969 auction for $38,000. (New York Times, August 18, 1991)
8. And it doesn’t hog the remote…
   Phenylethylamine, the chemical responsible for the ecstatic highs of love and sexual attraction, is also found in chocolate. (www.chocolate.com)
9. But she’d keep tipping over!
   If she were life‑sized, Mattel’s Barbie® would have the measurements: 41″-19″‑32″. (American Demographics, 7/1/03 by John P. McManus)
10. Today they’d be called “The Barbies®“
    Early French explorers named Wyoming’s mountains the Grand Tetons. The name means “Big Tits.”
11. And that’s why they’re not called “Ken’s!”
    Why do they call them sperm whales? Could be because their penises are 9 feet long. (American Cetacean Society)
12. Another good reason not to buy an SUV
    In Bombay, India, a man pulled a car with his penis in front of Mahalakshmi Temple in protest of India’s 1989 oil crisis. (Straits Times, 11/02)
13. Is that a mochaccino in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
    The Archives of General Medicine say coffee drinkers have sex more frequently and enjoy it more than non‑coffee drinkers.
14. And it made a heck of a mochaccino!
    The first automatic vibrator was invented in 1869. It ran on boiling water and was steam powered. (New York Times, March 21,1999)
15. Not that there’s anything wrong with it!
    Bats – especially fruit bats – have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals. (From the article, “Homosexual Activity Among Animals Stirs Debate,”  by James Own, National Geographic News, July 23 2004)
16. Worst new trend
    In 1979, the Kinsey Institute reported that the average erection measured a healthy 6.2 inches. However, a study in 2001 found the average is now a measly 5.9 inches. Penile recession?
17. Supersize me, please?
    The smallest normal penis on record, according to the same Kinsey Institute report, measured 5/8ths of an inch in its dormant state. When erect, who cares?

By Jeff Wyatt

Step 1: Suffer a breakup anywhere between 1 and 12 weeks before Valentine’s Day, thus leaving you with that “what might have been” feeling and also leaving you with not enough time to find a suitable replacement.

Step 2: Watch really, really bad chick flicks all weekend long. The problem with a Saturday Valentine’s Day is that it gives you the entire weekend to be sedentary and feel miserable over a holiday sustained by greeting card marketing.

Step 3: Stock up on nutritionless candies well before Valentine’s and have an arsenal at your disposal. Something about a bag of dark chocolate kisses tastes so good when you’re miserable.

Step 4: Realize there are no redeeming values to the chick flicks you are watching, then relate your life to said chick flicks, and ultimately spiral your logic down to think that because your life is like these romantic comedies, you yourself have no redeeming value. Nothing helps slow the metabolism more than depression.

Step 5: Stare at your phone threatening to call your ex. You – of course – are talking to a bag of chocolate, waiting for the bag of chocolate to talk you down from that ledge. Eventually you and chocolate decide that instead of calling, you’ll eat the bag of chocolate you’ve been speaking to and then go to sleep. Sacrificial friendships are the tastiest.

Step 6: Wake up the day after Valentine’s and realize all Valentine’s candy is now 70% off at your local drugstore. Purchase obscene amounts of foil wrapped cocoa treats.

Step 7: You repeat the day before, except this time, you feel miserable about all that happened yesterday and all that you did. In order to numb this pain, you consume twice the amount of chocolate you did the day before while realizing you watched all the “good” chick flicks the day previous and you are left with the leftover stack of romantic comedies. Consume more chocolate when you began relating to the really bad romantic comedies and realize that no one will ever love you again and that you should just get a dog, but reason that the dog won’t even love you, and if it does come to love you, with the amount of chocolate around the house, the dog will probably at some point find the chocolate and eat all of it and die, thus leaving you alone once again.

Step 8: Step on the scale Monday morning and pass out when you realize why it is your pants are so snug!

Most singles these days have forayed into the world of online dating, at least once or twice. We have either given it a try, then decide we’re up for the “numbers game,” or that we are better suited to the traditional methods of meeting the opposite sex.

Photo By/Copyright: Adam Larsen.

Unfortunately, dating websites are no longer just a place for nice single people to meet. They are a haven for Internet Criminals, people with other ill intent, and the “boogeymen” of today – just like the ones who we used to imagine under our childhood beds. Instead of grabbing us at the ankles if we get out of bed at night, these monsters lurk in World Wide Web shadows, waiting to access an open heart as a path directly to our wallets.

Of course, not all online profiles are of scam artists. Most are folks just like you and me. So, when you are an online dater, how can you really tell that the individuals contacting you (or vice versa) are real people, displaying the truth that is their life?

There are some quick red flags which indicate the profile may be a phony:

• All of their profile photos are “professional.” Is the hot guy or gorgeous girl “too hot?” Is he or she manicured to the nines and stiffly posing in typical model poses? Do they have pancake makeup on (as indicated by excessively even coloration of the skin)? Is your girl or guy absolutely catalog-perfect, every single hair in place, clothing immaculate, positioning camera-ready? If so, they may be a fake. Look for a mix of great photos with candid shots of the same person. If there are no candids, who is this individual? If they are real, yet offer only pro photos, they might just have a problem with ego and insecurity, anyway.
• Their listed age is “on the nines” or the “sixes.” In other words, they are not listed as 37, but as 39 or 36. Many, many people lie about their age. They generally do this due to lack of self-esteem or to attract much younger matches. Always question the actual age, versus the one shown. Simply play the innocent, “How old are you, again?” There are honest souls out there, but for some reason this is a major tipping point for those who exercise creative math.
• Their profile location is close to you, but their grammar is not “of the area.” If your guy from Philly writes with British spelling, ask some key questions about places or cultural aspects with which you both should be familiar. If the boy from Philly hasn’t ever indulged in a Pat’s or Geno’s Cheesesteak (or can’t talk about his reason for not trying one), something might be up.
• Another grammatical indicator (aren’t you glad you took those English classes in college) is if their perfect syntax and usage in the body of their profile doesn’t match their emails. If the beautiful girlie described her love of “indulging in the finer things in life” in her intro, but her emails read, “You da bomb, baby,” or are in very broken English, you probably have a phony in your inbox. Watch their writing style, to ensure it matches the actual profile.
  
• The guy looks great, he seems local…but, you note “the man I seek” or “he should be strong” in his body text (and you are – for certain – in the heterosexual realm of dating services). This likely means the text is cut and pasted to build multiple fake profiles. The scam “artist” simply forgot – or didn’t know – to substitute the female wants with male ones, to match that sexy macho photo. The same is true for female profiles seeking things like, “a most beautiful, long-haired vixen.” Oh, those lazy scammers! Of course, if he is new to your home country and trying to learn the language, cut him a break. Those pesky pronouns can be a real pain to learn quickly! Again, keep your eyes on their emails, comparing it to the style and voice of the profile. If heterosexual, the dude should say he is seeking a girl, and the girl should be seeking a boy, right?
• They ask to call you, then do so from many different phone numbers (a different number each time). This is a ploy used by Nigerian scammers, in particular. They buy prepaid cell phones, as those numbers are virtually impossible to trace to the owner. The numbers may vary from US-based area codes, to European and African country codes. Speak only to those within your country, if you give out your number, at all. If you do decide to give out your number, they should be able to provide a consistent one, too. If you are extremely uncomfortable with giving out your private info (as you should always be wary, at least), then purchase your own prepaid cellular phone to use just for those initial conversations with online daters. You can provide your real number, after trust is solidly assured.
• Their screen name reads like a license plate. This is a little tricky, as all screen names are pretty cheesy. But, watch for a pattern that we noted with Nigerian scammers in particular: They like to use phrases of passion, mixed with numbers instead of words. A favorite of theirs is the number “4″. For example, “mandy4love,” “crazy4urkiss.” Also note if the user name doesn’t quite make sense in English, such as “mandy4lovefire.” This is a real example, one of the Nigerian scammers who contacted us. “Love fire” is their unknowing way of trying to translate the word “passion.” They just got it wrong. No American really walks around saying, “Geez, I crave that love-fire.” If numbers are used in their screen name, or if the words don’t mix well, simply ask the meaning behind the name.
  
• Excessive use of the word “baby” in correspondence with you. If you haven’t met, and they’re already at “baby,” you should immediately progress to “goodbye.” This is also frequently employed by the Nigerians, to draw in lonely souls. Whether or not they are a scammer, they should respect you enough to not famliarize their language so quickly. If “baby” and “love” flow too quickly and frequently, ignore their contacts altogether.
  
• You ask of their religion or spirituality, and the typed answer is “GOD” in all capitals. We noted that the Nigerian scammers we corresponded with used all capitals when answering this question, as if they were yelling the answer. At first, they were very hesitant to reply. When pushed, these were always the results. If “GOD” is the answer, inquire further into the finer points of their identity (just use it as a red flag to raise more questions).
• They push the story, names, and photos of their supposed children on you, too quickly. Ask yourself this: “As a parent, would I be using my children to sell myself?” Most parents would go to great lengths to protect their children from knowing of their dating adventures, and the child’s identity is generally shielded. If the family divorce story and child’s photos come out too quickly, you might need to consider why the child is being presented so blatantly.
  
• Your online romancer sends rambling emails purporting love and involvement of the heart from the very beginning, in the name of “poetry.” If the poems or phrases don’t makes sense per the situation and dialogue, your love is likely a fraud. The Nigerian scammers use this cut and paste method frequently. If your slow-typing dude suddenly turns into Robert Browning on steroids, back away from the prose.
  
• They ask to meet you in a chat room. For us, this always led one of two directions: to instant requests of nude photos, or to “cut and pasting” of text passages by the scammer. Again, the Nigerians use chat services to draw your heart in, and to paste their pre-written responses. They like to avoid direct questions by you, and prefer to fill the space with fake “poems” to make you imagine them as really courting you. The solution for this is simple: Don’t correspond in chat rooms or by instant messenger services. There are many dark corners in there, and your sweetie-to-be should be able to pick up a phone!

The list is long for red flags signaling your online love interest’s ultimately fraudulent objectives. Although utilization of dating sites is relatively new for scam artists (the past decade), the lonely heart has always been an open door for bottom-feeders and criminals to access your pocketbook. To remain safe, simply be aware of the details in their profile, ask many questions, give out little personal identifying information, and exercise caution until you know enough about them that you are comfortable with fuller disclosure about yourself. Finally, always ensure such disclosures are equal between you, and when all else fails your satisfaction about their legitimacy, just say, “Goodbye!”

*********************

Always report questionable online dating profiles to the service moderators. There is most often a “report this profile” link on singles’ websites. If you believe you are being scammed, or are corresponding with a scammer, fill out a Federal Bureau of Investigations Internet Crime Form at www.iC3.gov. It only takes a few minutes, and the more info you can provide, the quicker they can catch these heartless criminals!

By Gillian Benary

Do you believe that finding that perfect Valentine’s Day gift is the hallmark of a loving relationship?  Or are you the type that sees February 14th as nothing more than a greeting card company-devised holiday?  Regardless of where you fit onto the Cupid-ometer, most of us could add a little spice to our romantic lives with a few new ways to say “I love you.”

© Dolgachov

This year, look beyond the typical truffles and trinkets, cards and candies.  Why not show you care by showing you care about more than just romantic gestures?  After all, nothing is sexier than proving your passion for a good cause.  Who knows?  It may even ignite a little personal passion later on…

Here are Magazine BLU’s Top 14 Valentine Gifts with a Heart:

1. For the Fashionista: Here’s a gift that will make your lady “all the buzz” at the water cooler, AND help a child in need at the same time.  Bold bob? Sexy shag?  Precious pixie?  If there’s a major chop your gal has been dying to try, take the leap and make an appointment for her at the hottest salon in town.  Have the stylist tie off her ponytail before making the cut, and then send it off to Locks of Love (www.locksoflove.org).  As long as she’s ready to part with 10 inches of hair (and you’re willing to assure her you will love the results), you’ll both be making a big difference to a child suffering from medical hair loss.  The only thing better than making one girl feel beautiful is making two girls feel beautiful.

2. For the Eco-Foodie: The couple who eats free-range filets together, stays together, right?  You show that you care by preparing favorite foods for your partner, so why not show that you care not just about your lover, but about the entire food chain that supports and nourishes them?  By getting a joint membership to Slow Food USA (www.slowfoodusa.org), you are showing the love for sustainable agricultural practices, which means cleaner business, a cleaner planet, and tastier food.  Sounds like a recipe for the ultimate aphrodisiac!

3. For the Movie Buff: Set up an alfresco movie theater in your backyard or a local park, and spend the night watching some home movies of your sweetie under the stars. Simply call his or her Mom or Dad to ask for copies of home movies, tell them about your wonderful plan (and to keep it hush-hush), and you will win the hearts of your love and their entire family! If home movies are not available, simply compile a slide presentation of photos from your time together.  All you need is a film or DVD projector and a blank wall, or even a white bed sheet strung between a couple of trees.  It’s a great way to spend some cuddle-time with your beloved, while encouraging a sense of family and personal history.

4. For the Budding Botanist: Don’t waste money on an overpriced bouquet of blossoms that will only last a few days. Instead, grab your sweetheart, and take to the soil!  Find a community garden in your area (check communitygarden.org), and spend a day toiling in the terra firma.  Plant petunias, till tulips, or whatever strikes your fancy, as the fun is in working up a sweat together and watching both your love and the plants grow!  You’ll be communing with nature and beautifying your community at the same time.  And you’ll have nurtured a living, breathing bouquet of love that won’t soon wilt.

5.  For the Commuting Activist: Want to fight global warming AND help end AIDS in Africa, all with one smart and stylish Valentine’s Day gift?  Help encourage your honey to leave the car at home by getting him or her a February bus pass, as well as a Product (RED) iPod (apple.com/ipod/red), pre-loaded with their favorite tunes for foot-tapping through that commute. This gift will reduce carbon dioxide emissions through use of public transportation, and enables rocking out in style, all thanks to your thoughtfulness. A portion of the purchase price of each Product (RED) mp3 player goes to support the Global Fund to fight AIDS in Africa.

6.  For the Art Aficionado: Have a date night at an art benefit.  Your sweetie obviously has an eye for beauty (that is how they picked you, after all), so why not take him or her out for a fancy evening of canvasses, cocktails, and canapés?  You’ll be taking in some beautiful work, honing your critical eye, and supporting your local art scene, all at once.

7.  For the Chocoholic: For a sweet treat that offers wider-reaching benefits, seek out Fair Trade chocolates, which helps to support smallholder cocoa producers in West Africa.  Our favorites are Divine’s elegantly packaged milk chocolate or dark chocolate hearts (divinechocolateusa.com), which ensure that the workers in Ghana who harvest cocoa and produce chocolates receive a fair price for their goods, as well as proper safety and health conditions. Sweet deal.

8.  For the Patriot: Not every American will be able to give their Valentine a smooch on February 14^th, because many of our nation’s sweethearts are serving our country overseas.  Your honey probably doesn’t need yet another stuffed bear clutching a plush heart (though it was so thoughtful last year, and the year before), so take that generous spirit and put it toward assembling a care package for a soldier in Afghanistan or Iraq. Renew America Together and Operation Gratitude are working together on a project to deliver care packages to our soldiers.  Spend some time with your sweetheart, and compile your own care package for a soldier who’s far from home. Include any non-perishable treats, batteries, crossword puzzles, stationery, grooming aids, etc, and send it to:

Operation Gratitude
16444 Regugio Road
Encino, California 91436

9. For the Animal Lover: Is this the year you will hear the pitter-patter of little feet…er, umm…paws?  If you’re thinking about sharing your home with a furry friend, a local shelter (shelterfinder.info) just might be the place to meet your new love. Take your honey with you, so he or she can share in the experience of pet adoption, and you will be showing that yes, you are capable of taking care of another being besides yourself. More importantly, you will also be saving an animal that could have been helpless without you.

10. For Myopic Mates: Time for an eyewear makeover!  Take your bespectacled babe to pick out new eyeglass frames.  Have fun picking out wacky pairs for each other to try on: Thick-rimmed Elvis Costellos, frameless Sarah Palins, sexy secretary specs, or hot-for-teacher bifocals? Once you’ve each picked a sexy new pair, donate your old specs to the Lions Club (lionsclub.org).  Your old glasses will provide basic vision assistance in developing nations, and you and your sexy sweetie won’t be able to take your (four) eyes off of each other!

11. For the Nurturer: Are you the giver in your relationship, typically the type to bestow thoughtful presents, breakfast in bed, flowers?  Show your partner the true meaning of giving by bringing joy to those in need, together.  Wake up early, grab two venti lattes, and head over to your city’s flower market, where you can scoop up buds in bulk (and on the cheap).  Take bouquets to a local hospital or nursing home, and you’ll show the residents that they have not been forgotten.  By the end of the day, your hearts will be in full bloom.

12. For the Traditionalist: So you want to give your object of affection an object made affectionately, but you are all thumbs? Visit Etsy.com. It is a marketplace bursting at the seams with stylish, fashionable, and unique gifts, and each and every item for sale on the site is handmade. Artists from all over the world convene in cyberspace to sell their handmade wares, from art to jewelry, clothing to furniture.  Not only will she love the one-of-a-kind gift you select, but you will also know that your money has gone to an actual artisan, rather than a factory. Set aside some time to get lost in the bounty that is Etsy.com, and you will be sure to find something unforgettable for your Valentine.

13. For the Cardio-Fit: Organize a sunrise run with your sweetheart, to strengthen your bond. Together, getting your blood pumping early in the day will ensure that your shared life is filled with a romantic pulse for as long as possible. At the end of the run, jog over to a healthy restaurant or farmer’s market, pick up some low-fat selections and fruit, then run it all home for a coupled shower, bathrobe breakfast, and the sweet kisses generated from all of those heartbeats.

14. For the “Type A” Multi-Tasker: Over-extended, much?  If your girl or guy is (or you both are) all things to all people (all the time), then spending some time together doing good, old-fashioned, N-O-T-H-I-N-G might just be the best way to give back.  Put on some music, uncork a bottle of wine, and spend an evening with each other, without the company of the evening news team or the cast of CSI.  By reconnecting with each other, you will rejuvenate and restore your spirits. Besides, giving some quiet time to yourself (and your Valentine) is truly the best way to refuel your energy for giving to others. If that doesn’t sound exciting to you, kick it up a notch with lingering kisses, a slow striptease, and extended time in the boudoir, followed by a shared bubble bath.

From all of us at Magazine BLU, Happy Valentine’s Day to you, your loved ones, and the world!

By Kimberly Toms

As single 30-somethings and beyond, we’ve all done it: Robbed the cradle, once or twice (or – ahem – more). If the cradle from which you stole your babe has rocked for fewer years than most, you will experience some “aha” moments of clarity, those times when you wonder, “What the heck am I doing?”

The writer, laughing while out with her boy toy. It's water in the glass, as she was both the designated driver and the "babysitter."

Dating the young ones is most often attributed to men, but as a post-divorce, 30-something female, I also went through a phase of wanting to “keep it light.” For me, “light” was perceived in the Grecian God-like physique of a just post-pubescent, 21 year old, ex-communicated Mormon boy. There was something about his complete innocence that I initially found amusing. And yes, the blonde hair, tan skin, blue eyes, rock-solid biceps and ridged abs didn’t hurt, either.

Aaaahh, a Fallen “Angel.”

How terribly mistaken I was! “Light” was far from what I got. In the course of two or three weeks, my little bambino managed to take me through all of the scenarios one can imagine as a clear indicator that he was far too young for me. If your flirty little cherub commits any of the following sins, they’re likely too young for you, too:

1. He or she prefers drinks that come in “test tubes,” from the shooter girl.
2. They drink Jagermeister, all the while saying, “Jagermeister makes me cry like a little girl!”
3. They cry into their Jagermeister, just like a little girl…at a bar…in public…bawling, while screaming your name.
4. He or she tends to strip naked when intoxicated. (Yes, my little Mormon boy stripped naked every time he had an alcoholic beverage: at a pub, at a nightclub, while playing pool with all men, in front of police officers while crying, and when walking home in Park City – during sub-freezing weather.)
5. He or she asks you to take friends home after a night out, as they are too drunk to drive or too broke for a cab. One of the friends then vomits in your car. (I admit it: I have traded in a perfectly good car, as I was so disgusted that someone I didn’t know threw up in it.)
6. They take you to a Backstreet Boys’ party.
7. He or she whines or uses “baby talk” to beg for things they want.
8. Their Mom pays for their cell phone, clothing, food, shelter, or other necessities.
9. They ask to borrow your car – frequently.
10. He or she sleeps until noon, every day.
11. They claim they don’t know what they “want to be when grown up.”
12. Their favorite meal is Mac ‘n Cheese.
13. He or she brags to their friends about you, your “sick ride,” or your “f***tastic crib.”
14. He or she wakes up (at noon) one day, stretches, then says, “I could sleep forever in our bed.”
15. They want to celebrate your “anniversary,” every week. (“It’s our fourth week anniversary!”)
16. You meet their Dad, Mom or Stepparent, and find out you’re older than the folks!

If one or two of the above issues creep into your “light” relationship with a hard-bodied neophyte, surely you realize it is time to walk away? Or, as I had to, pack their high school Letterman’s jacket into their Spiderman suitcase (not forgetting their footie-pajamas and cartoon-character toothpaste) and send them back home to Mama.

By Jeff Wyatt.

Like blistered skin coming loose after a long shower, she peeled away, and I felt no pain…

It was a brilliant summer day: 83 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. We lay on a blanket under a lush tree in Sheep’s Meadow of Central Park for six hours – talking, laughing, eating, stealing a kiss or three from one another, and just enjoying being alive in that moment. There is no greater feeling in all of existence than that of falling in love, the way your heart races and your eyes grow larger every time they come into your view, and how each “goodbye” makes your entire being yearn to hear that next “hello.”

We set out from the park arm-in-arm and traipsed south through Columbus Circle. Just before reaching Times Square, we caught the subway to avoid the garishness of it all. We found ourselves deposited in the East Village and stole away into a little dive and grabbed dinner.

The meals of initial love are, without a doubt, the most disgusting displays of affection for any waiter. As much as one wants to apologize for the obnoxious flirting, hand holding, hair stroking, and leaning-over-bread-and-olive-oil kisses, in that moment the lovers could care less. I assure you, we didn’t care.

The world was ours and everything around us melted away. She was my only focus and all things in my periphery took on that hazy, out of focus sheen that comes when you first wake up in the morning about 4 hours before you should be awake. It was bliss: Pure, unfocused bliss.

The oddity of it all was that this passion, this ether, never subsided between us. We carried on for months as if it were still our first date. I can’t explain it. She couldn’t explain it. It needed no explanation. If I were to never find out exactly what was occurring between the two of us, it would have been fine by me.

Fall came and though the cold snapped early on us. The Indian summer we were experiencing carried on long into the winter. To be honest, I cannot recall one fight, nor one disagreement that couldn’t be labeled as “cute.” It was as though we were a salt and pepper shaker set; though our contents may have been so different, we were simply a perfectly matched pair. Every opportunity to spend time with one another we did. Even when moments weren’t opportune, we still found time. And that’s the key to any relationship in all honesty, finding time to be with the one you love; and not out of duty or the feeling of commitment, but of sheer desire to be graced with the presence of the one you fall into so easily when their eyes rest upon you.

So, we moved in with one another. She took the bigger closet, and that was her only imperfection to me. Everything else that was her, I cared to experience every moment of each day: the way she stretched in the morning, the way she smelled after a shower, the way she burned everything when she cooked, including the pans! It was all just so damn cute and smile inducing. When she couldn’t fall asleep, she’d moan ever so gently and then roll over onto me and kiss my cheek before turning back away. Those are the little things in a relationship that matter the most, the insignificant little actions that, when they’re gone, are the memories etched into your mind to forever be replayed.

One day, rather unexpectedly, to be funny she got us “his and hers” towels. While hers had her name scripted into her towel, my towel had one of our inside jokes sewn into it. Sure, it was only one word, six letters long, but it proved to me that even the most minute details of our relationship were graced by her time and true effort. It’s a wonderful realization, when you see that all of the love you have for another person is perfectly, and effortlessly reciprocated.

Looking back, the candle burned too brightly and too intensely. The wax fell away too quickly to be replaced and the wick found itself burning the last of its oxygen. The little things and the sweet nothings whispered never fell away, nor did fights or anger ever find their way into our relationship. For reasons still unknown, the flame’s passion that came so quickly and lingered for so long became smothered by hands placed too closely, and the only recourse was for the fire to burn them to try and save its own life. As the hands pulled away, they found themselves not willing to go back once more.

It was amicable. It was downright pleasant. I can recall the church bells from next door sounding each hour, and though the conversation lasted all day, it passed in an instant. Atop the bed we had shared so intimately for countless nights, we both decided that it would be best if we were to part ways and find meaning in something – and someone – else. There was no “a-ha” moment wherein we looked at each other and realized it was gone, just a feeling that lasted a few weeks, and when we both looked at one another on that Sunday, we knew. We knew it was over and before it could all turn sour, we knew it best to lick the fingers and cease the flame.

I have, in brutally honest terms, still not recovered from the events of that day. Over time we have remained friends, catching up for an occasional lunch here and there and experiencing a very pleasant friendship. So it is not the absence of intimacy that I long for and hinders my recovery, it’s the realization that if I could not make a relationship work with someone who made me feel so alive, so complete, how will I ever find someone with whom I can spend the rest of my life?

So while it is better to have loved and lost, what comes of the man when he has loved, only to find himself lost?

By Gillian Benary.

Part Three of  San Francisco: Food, Drinks & Life as Art.

Bay Groove
If you would like to meet locals and, perhaps, become a local-lover, as well as a lover of the locale, here are BLU’s Top Five Places to Meet San Francisco Singles:

San Francisco's North Beach area is dotted with intimate restaurants, bars and nightclubs. SFCVB photo by Christine Krieg.

1.  For San Franciscans, Saturday morning is synonymous with a trip to the Ferry Building Farmer’s Market.  Bring a canvas tote bag and you’ll blend right in with the local gourmands sampling seasonal organic fruits, roasted nuts, and local honey. Spot a cutie? Open with:

“Where did you find that beautiful winter squash you’re carrying?”  Casually mention your passion for sustainable agriculture, and you might find yourself invited to a romantic candlelit dinner of spaghetti squash and meatballs.

2.  City Lights Bookstore:  Founded in 1953, City Lights (261 Columbus Avenue) has been a longtime outpost for Beatniks, literati, and independent thinkers.  If you are looking for a sexy cerebral type, attend an author’s reading upstairs in the poetry annex, or just browse the fiction or politics sections, eyebrows furrowed pensively.

Or, stride up to the bespectacled clerk and ask, “Can you direct me to a good history of nonviolent revolutions?” You’ll be sipping Cafe au Lait and discussing the influence of Jack Kerouac on your early intellectual development, in no time.

3.  Tartine:  Located on the corner of 18th and Guerrero in the quirky Mission District, this well-loved bakery is always bustling.  The time to come scope the scene is in the morning, when there is always a line of salivating locals out the door, eager for the first organic carbohydrate fix of the day.

San Francisco's cafes are a perfect place to meet stylish locals and pass the time. SFCVB photo by Jack Hollingsworth.

Try this line: “Which do you like better, the buttermilk currant scones, or the morning bun?  Shall we get one of each and conduct a taste test?” Also known to work is, “Cute dog. Want to share a croissant?”

4.  Beretta:  If the Mission District has got you feeling lucky, stick around and a grab a meal later at Beretta (1199 Valencia Street).  This fairly new restaurant already has a loyal following of the trendy, exuberant, and beautiful, who are drawn to the lively atmosphere, inventive cocktails, and delectably modern Italian cuisine. Snag a stool at the communal table on the main floor, a great perch from whichh to see what everyone else is ordering. (If you get a whiff of your neighbor’s Pizzette, I guarantee you’ll order one, too). Plus, the food and drinks provide the perfect conversation starters for chatting up your dining neighbors.

Recommended Is the Pisco Punch or Nuestra Paloma, but feel free to tell your server, “I’ll have what she’s having,” a line sure to open conversation with another diner, providing your statement can be “overheard.”

5.  Marina Safeway:  We are not kidding when we tell you that the supermarket known to locals as “Club Safeway” (15 Marina Boulevard) just might be the hottest pickup spot in town.

Cruise the produce aisle any evening, and try this line on the hottie scoping out the veggies: “Excuse me, but can you tell me if this avocado is ripe?”

You’re bound to pick up some good tips, and maybe a phone number or two. If you do strike out in produce, try the wine aisle!

By Felicia Coley / Summer 2008

Summer 2008 has us slipping on fashions with the aquatic names of “petrol” and “Olympian.”  So if blues are the new greys, is bitter the new black when it comes to a breakup?

Marcia of West Palm Beach, FL is wearing her emotional breakup on her sleeve, dipped in the hues of bittersweet memories.  In the fall of 2004, she met the love of her life while teaching English classes in Spain.

“After partying nightly for a week straight, I was forced into being the third wheel to two couples one night, which I had to do since my girlfriend and I had made a pact not to separate,” says the 32-year-old executive assistant to a global investment firm.  “Not feeling well at all, I looked across the room and saw the most amazingly handsome man.  He caught my glance, and when we spoke, I was smitten,” she recalls fondly.  “He was like an instant prescription, because I immediately felt better.”

Ending her teaching gig did not end their involvement.  A one-year, long-distance relationship blossomed; along with the decision for Marcia to relocate to Spain once she secured her visa papers (and tied up loose ends in Chicago, where she resides).

But as fate would have it, the visa papers took longer than expected, along with Marcia delaying the move six months to ensure a more stable financial situation. Those delays caused her Spanish lover to become impatient, and in January 2006, he broke off the relationship with a telephone call.

“He respected me wanting to get everything in order, but at the same time, he was ready for a relationship right then,” she recalls.  “As hard as that telephone call was, he was attentive to my feelings; refusing to hang up until every question I had was answered.  It was the longest, hardest conversation of my life.”

When asked if she has gotten over the breakup, Marcia has no hesitation in admitting her feelings.  “I don’t think I will ever get over him, because I feel I missed out on a great guy. A breakup is like a death – maybe not as harsh – but just as traumatic,” she states candidly.  While she did not ball up into a fetal position with a week’s worth of ice cream (“I forced myself to go on a date two weeks later”), Marcia realizes that time does heal all wounds.

That brings up the subject of climbing back up onto the saddle of dating. According to relationship journalist Lisa Steadman, author of the book, It’s a Breakup, Not a Breakdown, it can be an intricate balancing act.

“If you date too soon, you run the risk of rebounding and that just muddies your emotions further. Or, you run the risk of meeting someone amazing who you’re just not emotionally ready to get to know,” Steadman advises. “If you wait too long, you may start to develop fears and phobias about getting back out there that aren’t based in reality. That’s why it’s crucial to regularly check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling.”

Marcia did get to see her ex last December, while visiting friends in Spain.

“We went to dinner, at which time I poured my heart out to him in an attempt to rekindle what was lost.  But he let me know that he was too deep into his current relationship with a girl who was about to move in with him.  A girl he admittedly confessed to not being in love with,” she sighs.  “He had actually been in an argument with her right before he came to meet me for dinner.  The argument was about me.”

Indeed, a breakup is a complicated web of emotions for both the dumper and dumpee.  But to say the one being dumped is the only one who hurts is painting with too broad a brush.  Yes, for the dumpee, the view of a breakup is often blindsighted, especially when coming from a person who once voiced their undying love for you.  But for the dumper, the guilt of knowing you are responsible for breaking someone’s heart is often at battle with the responsibility of ending a relationship that just wasn’t meant to be.

For Mike Haro, his breakup came in shades of both black and blue, which his girlfriend sustained as the result of a head injury from a car accident.

“We moved out to California from Virginia to live together, and when she was involved in that car accident, her whole personality changed,” says the 43 year-old writer, now residing in Memphis, TN. “She decided to move back to Virginia at the request of her parents, and she told me she desired to attend college there.  But when I suggested I move back with her, she wouldn’t respond.”

His gut feeling also sensed there was another person in the picture.

“I was working three jobs at time of her accident, so I never really had time to spend with her while she recovered in the hospital,” Haro regrets.  “I feel that had a lot to do with her shutting down on me.  But at the time, I had no choice.  I had to provide income for us.”

Feeling like he never received a heartfelt explanation, Haro stayed in California and turned his pain into poetic prose and music beats for 1½ years, until he happened upon his next love.

That indeed is the slippery slope of being dumped; not giving in to the knee-jerk reaction of a scorned lover.  Getting even should be left for the movie scenes (who didn’t cheer for Angela Basset’s character in Waiting to Exhale?).  But, when you are able to transform the emotional pain into a productive act (versus destructive) is when the defining moment of your character resonates.  Having said that, some use a breakup to make a dramatic revision in their personal lives.   Men tend to upgrade to reduced passenger seating – usually in the form of a drop-top roadster.  Women tend to change their hair color and/or style.  A select few may even change their minds (see boomerang sex), where, if not consensual, ends up being a whole different topic (see restraining order).

After her breakup, Michele Hickford was feeling the need for Sicilian, in the form of a 23-year-old model wannabe. And by leaving London, where her ex husband resides.

“We’re still in touch (me and the ex, not the model),” says the writer, who authored the book, Do I Need To Slap You? How To Avoid Stupid Relationship Mistakes.

Hickford offers both comical and realistic advice on ending repetitive dating mistakes. She is currently happy in a dating relationship, but realizes the happiness didn’t come from the presence of another.

“I learned that I was absolutely responsible for my own happiness – that no one could make my happy, only happy-ER. I realized that I was mourning the Dream, not the Reality – as I say in my book, often that’s what makes us sad when relationships end. It’s the loss of the Dream (of happily ever after) because the Reality was pretty crappy, or we wouldn’t be breaking up in the first place.”

Speaking of reality, while most of our breakups are not played out on the unrealistic sets of reality TV -which uses the poetic license of editing for more dramatic segments – we still may feel like the whole world is laughing, judging, and aware of the demise of the relationship.  But in reality, the pain of the breakup is often magnified by the shame.

Kitty* of Los Angeles, CA found herself dumped after a three-year relationship.

“The breakup was mutual because it turned into a long distance relationship (when I moved to LA). It was hard to keep up … but in the end, I was the one who got dumped.”

In terms of recovering, Kitty bounced back easily. It wasn’t that hard to get over because it had been such a long time since I saw him (long distance thing),” says the 27-year-old Community Manager for Fashion & Beauty for ThisNext.com.

“But it was hard to get over being able to talk to someone everyday about everything. I leaned on my girlfriends a lot and just made sure I was out on the town – a lot. I also talked about the breakup to people and on the web (Product Therapy-The Single Life),” Kitty states.

Having a support system is highly recommended by Steadman. “If you feel stuck, ask a friend for help getting you back on the dating scene. Go out with your single gal pals and just have fun. There’s safety and strength in numbers.”

“One of the greatest challenges of re-entering the dating world following a breakup is that we have a tendency to compare the person we’re on a date with to our ex,” Steadman continues. “And no matter how wrong for us our ex was while we were with them, suddenly the bad disappears and we only remember the good. That’s why it’s so important for us to be conscious of this habit and turn down the volume on those comparisons. They’re incredibly sabotaging.”

Although statistics are unclear on the average length of time the standard dating relationship (i.e. heterosexual couple in a monogamous commitment) lasts, in the Denver Family Development Study, couples dated on an average of 32 months prior to marriage.  This study, conducted by Dr. Howard J. Markman (professor of psychology at the University of Denver), involved 100 couples planning first-time marriages, who were followed from its inception in 1980 for over a time span of 13 years.

Internet dating relationships, on the other hand, last an average of seven months, according to a study by Dr. Jeff Gavin of the University of Bath’s Psychology Department (UK February 14, 2005 Press Release).   Statistics for LDRs (long-distance relationships) report that of dating relationships, an estimated 1 in 7 (14%) were long-distance, and 3.5 million dating couples are involved in long-distance dating relationships (The Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships, A Division of JF Milne Publications.)

Even though his attempt to create a long distance relationship was rejected, Haro does see the silver lining from his breakup.  “If you feel like your breakup has you going downhill real fast, it’s because you need speed to get a bigger hill.  And always remember, if you’re about love, don’t give up on love,” he advises.

For Gomez, she reflects upon her breakup experience by comparing it to the movie Evening, starring the stellar cast of Vanessa Redgrave, Meryl Streep, Toni Collette and Claire Danes.  In the movie, the daughters of an elderly woman are surprised to find out about their mother’s secret.   From her deathbed, the dying woman calls out for the man she loved more than any other from some fifty years ago, yet never pursued.

“Knowing that I did all I could do, I’ll try to make it (love) work here in the states,” she confirms.

Kitty took the high road in terms of keeping the lines of communication open.

“I am still friends with my ex, we talk online every now and again,” Kitty confesses. “When something is funny I still call him and we talk on holidays to wish each other a Merry Christmas and all that jazz.”

Experiencing breakup blues is a life-shattering experience for both the dumper and dumpee.  Whatever your position is in the matter, the correct timeframe for getting over it is never in black and white.  Like death, there will be phases in experiencing the breakup process: shock, denial, sorrow, anger, pain, and finally, acceptance. The key is to not remain stuck in any one phase prior to acceptance.  The end of a relationship can, however, open up a spectrum of colorful opportunities, such as moving to a new city to start a new life, jumpstarting a new career, or finding out how amazingly resilient you are.  But, the most promising opportunity is another chance to get love right.

*Fictional name

By Felicia Coley / Summer 2008

Eat your dessert first.

While that may be music to the ears of the young at heart, those of us in the know realize the ramifications of spoiling our appetite. Yet when it comes to sex, the same folks who know better don’t necessarily do better, opting to go straight for the goodies. In true form, the eyes are bigger than the gut
instinct.

30 year-old Margot* sees it as being all about the connection. “Sex right away can be a definite boost of excitement,” says the Miami-based healing arts specialist. “With my current lover, it was love at first sight. Getting to know someone can happen very quickly, and in my case, she and I dove right in to a physical connection that has evolved into a mental and emotional bond.”

As far as thinking women hold a standard rule of restraint, Margot disagrees. “I have dated both men and women, and I really don’t see a difference. As long as two people are on the same page, there shouldn’t be a reason to have a set time frame. Just know with the physical involvement comes responsibility.”

Author Bella DePaulo, Ph.D. (Visiting Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara) wrote the book, Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Her book expounds on the very subject within her list of “Ten Myths About Singles.”

“There is another point that often gets short shrift in our culture that is so preoccupied with sex,” says DePaulo.

“There are people for whom sex really is not all that important. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them. Many of them care about intimacy, but that intimacy does not have to be physical.”

“Among some people with certain religious beliefs, it is not old-fashioned at all to wait to have sex; it is the right thing to do,” DePualo continues. “Among others, it is considered old-fashioned to wait until marriage. With people generally marrying at later ages than ever before (if they do marry), there can be many years between the teen years and marriage.”

The dilemma for many singles may be in gambling on the risk of quality over quantity; years of giving into the lust of new relationships, only to reflect back to see that sexual attraction was the common denominator for most of them. And after a life of hookups and flings, does the view of a long-lasting relationship (i.e. marriage) become blurred?

Marriage may not be the goal for Fashion Photographer Jonathan D. Orozco right now, but in his dating experiences, he has felt the sting of ulterior motives.

“Not to be touted as someone who is looking to just sleep around, I have been surprised in the past to find out that I was used,” says the 32-year-old Atlanta resident.

“Yes, it happens to guys too…what a pity right? There have been a couple times that I really liked the girl and I was just being used as a boy toy. Lesson learned? Women and men are a lot alike…both have wants and needs. Sometimes you are on the same page and other times you are chapters apart.”

Orozco does see the means to an end in dating. Chalking up his boy toy experiences as water under the bridge, he has moved forward in anticipation of two simple factors which set the tone for a newbie relationship: the first kiss and body language.

“I believe this [the first kiss] is a magical moment. You never know what is going through the other person’s mind. You are in reaction mode but want to make sure that that reaction is the right one. In the moment, so much goes on within seconds of touching lips that once you sort through all the ‘what ifs,’ by the time you know it you are moving in closer and now kissing. Here is where I take note of; is it passionate? Is it just okay? Or does it need improvement? Quick note: There is no such thing as a bad kisser. Both of you are just not compatible smoochers. Enough said,” explains the creator of the website AskJonathanOnline.com.

When it comes to body language, Orozco says it starts with the eyes.

“If her eyes are bigger and wider than normal and she just can’t take them off of you, if she is in any way trying to put her body close to or onto yours, she touches you more than usual, she draws more of your attention in crowds, she plain out tells you that she wants you- that’s your sign.”

There are more, but this is not a “How to Read Signs” article right?” he jokes.

Orozco summarizes his methods in tried-and-true form. “Thus, we have the second date being more kissing and maybe some light petting. The third [date], more of the same and you just might get lucky but don’t push it…take note of the body language she is giving you…remember we can’t read minds but some of us are receptive to body language.

Orozco gives this advice to men. “Pay attention to what a woman is telling you verbally and physically…you might be missing the signal to run the bases. Love is not a two way street. It is a one way in which two people travel at the same time and speed to get to the same goal together,” he concludes.

Whether it’s at first glance, the second date, or after the main course, sex too soon can ruin more than just your appetite; it can be doom a budding relationship.

“I usually advise people to wait a bit,” notes Dr. Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (aka “Dr. Romance”), psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage and The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “Sexual attraction won’t go away if you get to know each other (if it does, then it was pretty insubstantial to begin with). The suspense of abstaining can really up the intensity of sex when it finally does happen,” she states. “And, you have the chance to bond, to develop the infrastructure you’ll need if you want a serious relationship. If you eliminate the mystery too soon, you may also eliminate any future for this relationship.”

The question then arises; what are the foolproof signs to confirm a relationship is ready for sex?

“If you have been dating for a while, and have had a chance to bond a little, if the interest feels mutual and not one-sided, if you survived a disagreement and worked it out, if you feel mutual respect and caring, then you probably have enough foundation to take the risk of being sexual,” Dr. Tessina advises.

Those admitting to having a sweet tooth will agree that this guilty pleasure was developed in childhood. Sex, on the other hand, can just as easily be remembered by most as a habit induced and introduced in their teen years.

“What both women and men often fail to understand when they have sex early is that they may not feel the same way about it looking back as they do at the time,” informs Depaulo. What I mean by “early” is in the teenage years, especially before age 18. Lots of men and women have sex in their teens, but in one study, 70% of people looking back said that they now think they were too young. Their reservation is not so much moral as psychological. They think they were not emotionally ready to have sex. It is not just the women who say this,” she continues.

22-year-old Nathalia of West Palm Beach, FL is one of those young at heart-turned-wise-old-soul. “At age 16, I thought sex was something special shared with the one you truly loved,” says the interior decorator.

“But by age 18, I thought it was okay to have sex just for fun. But now at age 22, I think it’s something sacred. You should definitely be friends first, get to know one another and grow some type of connection other than sexual chemistry.”

Mike of New York couldn’t disagree more. “I think a lot of people have moved past this old-fashioned idea of courtship, where you go on dates to get to know one another and sex is the endpoint,” says the 32-year-old graphic designer.

“To me, sex is the beginning, and afterwards as time passes you find out whether your relationship works.”

But lest you think all men want only one thing, Orozco does practice the art of restraint, albeit calculated.

“If I am serious about a dating relationship, then I would expect to wait at least three dates. This normally translates into three weeks for me since dating is usually left to the weekends. During this period of time there is a lot of communication via email, texting, IM, etc. Again, listening to what she is saying will give you an idea of when the appropriate time will come,” he admits.

Orozco goes on to say, “Too soon would be when you are not listening to her signals and you think you can just jump the gun and go for it all. This usually leads to a slap in the face, a cold bed, and a reputation as ‘…all he wanted was sex!’ Lesson learned? ‘Easy, tiger.’”

“When you decide to become intimate is an important choice, because it sets the tone of your relationship,” states Dr. Tessina. “Becoming intimate right away tends to eliminate the possibility of getting to know each other — you’re then focused on sex; a man may assume you’re just one-night-stand material; and lust overtakes your interest in getting to know each other in any other way. Waiting a while, at least several dates, before becoming intimate gives you a chance to form some of the infrastructure of a relationship: how to talk intimately with each other, a chance to learn your difference in styles, and how that will work together, an interest in each other that is more than just physical and immediate. Also, if you fall in love easily, you are asking to get your heart broken by having sex before you determine if your partner is truly a quality person and interested in a relationship,” Dr. Tessina concludes.

Orozco offers this advice to females. “Some of us really do like you and want more from a relationship…those are the keepers and you will know it. All the rest are just batting their eyes, agreeing with you, and telling you how beautiful you are in hopes to convince you that they are into you enough to actually commit to the sheets. Again, there are some great guys out there. Be smart and use protection,” he cautions.

The influence of the Sex and the City, we-date-like-men phenoms have literally kicked the Pollyanna, good-girls-don’t-put-out theory to the curb. Even so, the disconnect between emotions and instant gratification is few and far between.

“What seems to matter to women is not so much the amount of time they have been with their partner, but whether they feel close to that person,” says Depaulo.

From the man’s point of view, don’t be fooled. They, too, are aware that at the end of the day, emotions trump motions. “No matter how good in bed you both are, in the long run, it’s the communication that will make any relationship last,” states Orozco.

A sentiment echoed by Dr. Tessina. “Most men are very sexual creatures and focused on the hunt, and getting what they want. Women have veto power, and also the power to be seductive and transmit non-verbal cues to let him know the time is right. On the other hand, if he’s not interested, there’s only so much you can do — the chemistry just may not be there.”

The icing on the cake may be enticing to all, but in the long run, the woman still decides when dessert will be served.

*Fictional name

Photographs © Marin Conic/Dreamstime.com