By Jeff Wyatt
Step 1: Suffer a breakup anywhere between 1 and 12 weeks before Valentine’s Day, thus leaving you with that “what might have been” feeling and also leaving you with not enough time to find a suitable replacement.
Step 2: Watch really, really bad chick flicks all weekend long. The problem with a Saturday Valentine’s Day is that it gives you the entire weekend to be sedentary and feel miserable over a holiday sustained by greeting card marketing.
Step 3: Stock up on nutritionless candies well before Valentine’s and have an arsenal at your disposal. Something about a bag of dark chocolate kisses tastes so good when you’re miserable.
Step 4: Realize there are no redeeming values to the chick flicks you are watching, then relate your life to said chick flicks, and ultimately spiral your logic down to think that because your life is like these romantic comedies, you yourself have no redeeming value. Nothing helps slow the metabolism more than depression.
Step 5: Stare at your phone threatening to call your ex. You – of course – are talking to a bag of chocolate, waiting for the bag of chocolate to talk you down from that ledge. Eventually you and chocolate decide that instead of calling, you’ll eat the bag of chocolate you’ve been speaking to and then go to sleep. Sacrificial friendships are the tastiest.
Step 6: Wake up the day after Valentine’s and realize all Valentine’s candy is now 70% off at your local drugstore. Purchase obscene amounts of foil wrapped cocoa treats.
Step 7: You repeat the day before, except this time, you feel miserable about all that happened yesterday and all that you did. In order to numb this pain, you consume twice the amount of chocolate you did the day before while realizing you watched all the “good” chick flicks the day previous and you are left with the leftover stack of romantic comedies. Consume more chocolate when you began relating to the really bad romantic comedies and realize that no one will ever love you again and that you should just get a dog, but reason that the dog won’t even love you, and if it does come to love you, with the amount of chocolate around the house, the dog will probably at some point find the chocolate and eat all of it and die, thus leaving you alone once again.
Step 8: Step on the scale Monday morning and pass out when you realize why it is your pants are so snug!
4 Comments
February 17, 2009 at 5:21 pm
hilarious, where’d you all dig this guy up?
February 17, 2009 at 9:57 pm
We found him under a bridge in Manhattan’s Central Park. He was the dapper guy decked out in Dior and Boss…begging for truffles.
Truthfully, though: We find him quite amusing, too! He brings some “oo” to BLU!
March 1, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Just passing by.Btw, your website have great content!
April 16, 2009 at 5:07 am
Jeff Wyatt reminds me of someone I used to know in college with the exact same name. Fond memories, those…